Ever know one of those guys that’s just crazy strong for their size? Well, that’s my best friend JR. Like freakishly strong, pound for pound, even since we were kids. I’ve seen him throw up 315 pounds for reps on a bench press, and not even break a sweat. But at 5’10 and 165 lbs, when you see him he’s not what you’d call an intimidating guy. Yeah, he’s shredded. And with his shirt off, you can’t really miss the 6 pack, the web of veins running down his biceps that are massive for a guy his size, and a crazy well developed chest that he has a habit of casually flexing even when he’s just standing around. But with a shirt on (on the off chance he’s wearing one that isn’t too tight), he just looks like a pretty regular guy. But I’ve seen plenty of people make that mistake before too. He also wrestled all through high school - when he wasn’t playing soccer or baseball. (The kid was an annoyingly good athlete at just about every sport we ever played.) And although he was generally a really calm, chill guy, if anyone started something with him or one of our friends, if they were lucky they’d just get humiliated arm wrestling, and if they weren’t they’d be tapping to some crazy choke hold, or crying getting crushed between his powerful legs. But we’ve been best friends as long as I can remember. And we’d do anything for each other, despite our brotherly competitive streak. There are plenty of stories I could tell you about our adventures, but I’ll start with one from our college days.
It started out as a pretty typical Saturday. Slept in late, met up with some friends at our apartment, and decided to get an afternoon workout in at the school’s gym. One of our good buddies John met up with us who at 6’1 and 205 pounds was the biggest of our group, although a victim of the freshman 15 and not in the same league when it came to JR. A new neighbor, Jim, who we had just met also decided to work out with us for the first time and at 5’9” and 140 pounds it honestly might have been his first time in the gym. And then there’s me at 6’ and 185 pounds in pretty solid shape after a lifetime of working out with my buddy. But no matter how long I had worked out with JR, those gym sessions still put me through the paces. And while I’m used to JR warming up with my maxes, the look on Jim’s face when JR started curling the weight he was using to squat was pretty priceless. But after a good hour and a half of grueling sets even JR was spent, and we decided to head back.
“Dude, how the fuck did you get so strong?” questioned John with a face that would have been awe if it wasn’t so red and dripping with sweat.
“Less beer, and more protein,” he joked as he playfully poked him in the stomach.
“Nah, he’s just a freak,” I interjected. “He’s been like this since he was 10.”
“Well, this freak is ready for a shower. Then who’s down for a movie night and some drinks?”
After a quick shower JR came out wearing his signature apartment outfit, a pair of boxers that highlighted, well, everything. He had really put on some size this year, but still maintained his trademark 5% body fat.
“Dude. I think you actually have an 8 pack now. You really need to eat a carb.”
“Done my friend, let’s take the night off. I just ordered some pizzas, and we have this bottle of whiskey left from our party last week.”
John and Jim came back, and both of their jaws just about hit the floor when they saw JR. He pretended not to notice as he did one of his nonchalant pec flexes.
“You know, if I had any other roommate someone might occasionally pay attention to me.”
“Aw, we love you too bud,” said John giving me a friendly squeeze. “Now let’s break into that whiskey.”
From there we drank some whiskey, ate some pizza, drank some more whiskey, played some beer pong, and decided it was time for that movie.
Now when they were handing out superpowers, clearly JR won the lottery. But what he got in strength, I got in drinking stamina. I can pretty much out drink anyone I’ve ever met, for better or for worse. So I was still able to see Jim getting glassy eyed, John slowing down just a bit, and JR getting that cocky mischievous look that comes out sometimes after a few drinks.
“Let’s watch Rick and Morty!” shouted JR as him and I crashed on the couch.
“Dude. You watch that every day. We said it was going to be a movie night.” John was adamant.
“Yeah. Everyone else is down for a movie. Three votes to one,” said Jim in agreement.
“I’ll arm wrestle you for it,” said JR flexing as a softball sized bicep jumped out of his arm.
“Definitely not,” I said laughing.
Part of the benefit of knowing someone as well as JR is that I knew he was going to lunge for the remote before he even did, which let me get it well out of his reach by the time he even moved. But the downside of knowing JR was that he then grabbed me around me waist with just his left arm and casually threw my entire body onto him as I held the remote away.
Knowing I was going to come out the loser of this wrestling match I tossed the remote to the far side of the room so I could at least devote both arms to fighting him off. But eventually he got me into a headlock and started pouring on some pressure - although I knew too well that it was only a fraction of his strength.
Luckily John came to my rescue and grabbed JR in a choke hold from his right side. John wrestled too, and definitely could hold his own. Maybe with the two of us we’d have a chance I hoped as the pressure eased from around my neck. But before John knew what happened JR broke out of the hold and maneuvered John into a headlock of his own, and now the pressure was back on twofold.
John was looking about as red as he did at the gym earlier, and I doubt I looked much better. Jimmy meanwhile just stared in awe as JR easily manhandled the two of us, who outweighed him by 20 and 40 pounds respectively.
“Jim, a little help,” croaked out John as JR cranked the pressure up another notch.
I think it was at that point that all the booze from earlier in the night caught up to Jim giving him a courage I’ve never seen from him before or since. With a slightly crazed look in his eye he let out a battle cry and charged at us leaping off the ground. But it was too late. Before I could yell “No!!!” I saw the smirk on JR’s face. As Jim flew through the air, I watched JR’s legs fly up and catch him around the chest.
I thought we had it bad until I saw JR lock his ankles and start to squeeze. I’ve been on the receiving end of JR’s scissor holds a couple of times, and they were downright brutal. And that was him friendly scissoring me. The poor guy that sucker punched me at a frat party one time found out what an unfriendly JR scissors was like - and so did his 2 broken ribs.
So now the squeeze was back on both of our necks while poor Jimmy managed to turn an even darker shade of red than John, which I didn’t think was possible. I found myself amazed at the number of veins he had covering every inch of his legs, and how each defined muscle fiber twitched when he turned up the pressure another degree. JR just smiled at me, noticing me staring, and put on a show by rolling the muscles in his thighs while Jim let out a moan of anguish.
It would have been quite a scene if someone walked in, although after knowing him this long nothing surprised me. One 165 pound guy dominating three grown men weighing over 500 pounds.
JR yawned, and announced “Well, guys. This is great and all, but I think it’s time to end it.” And I of course knew what was coming next. He counted 1. And the pressure ratcheted up. He counted 2 and John made a gurgling sound. He counted 3 and even I moaned. And the in his best impression of the hulk growled “JR squeeze!!” And with that he flexed every muscle in his ripped and insanely strong body crushing my head into his rock hard chest. Jim started drooling before he went out. John went down next. And then as I started to fall asleep I felt the pressure release.
As I shook off the cobwebs JR jumped up. “Wow, I’ve never submitted three guys at once before,” he smiled proudly. “I could have put you out too, but I miss our one on one matches too much.” And with that he spread his lats and did a pose that Superman would have been jealous of, before beckoning me towards him and taunting me with a “Come at me bro.”
Maybe it was the booze, maybe the lack of oxygen over the past 5 minutes. But I took the bait. “If I could get low maybe I could get him off the ground,” I thought as I leapt off the couch and ran at him with a tackle.
But by the time I saw the smirk, I knew it was too late. JR casually used my momentum to spin us both around and locked those oversized arms around my chest and I knew what was coming. The bearhug was JR’s signature move. And I can’t count how many times I’ve submitted to it, or watched him just crush cocky bigger guys who slowly go from a state of confusion, to disbelief, to begging for mercy.
But JR just smiled as I felt the pressure slowly rise. I foolishly pushed away at his chest, as if there was any way I could dent those muscles. The toughest part about his bearhug is that it literally was like getting squeezed by a statue given his lack of body fat and rock hard muscles. I instead resigned myself to pulling at his arms, admiring their size and hardness as the veins popped while he squeezed a bit harder.
“You KNOW?” he said pulsing his squeeze. “I really LOVE putting this HOLD on YOU. I mean WHO doesn’t LOVE giving their BEST FRIEND a HUG?” squeezing again every few syllables.
“Fuck Youuuuuuuuuu,” I managed to spit out before the hardest squeeze yet turned my reply into a moan.
“Ok, bud. Well, if that’s the way you feel.” I already knew what was coming. “But I know you like this just as much as I do,” he grinned.
“1.” I wondered how drunk he was. I don’t know that he had ever squeezed me that hard.
“2.” And with that every last bit of air was squeezed out of my lungs.
“3”. My vision started to narrow. This was definitely the hardest squeeze I had ever felt in my 20 years on earth.
“JR squeeeeeeze!” yelled the hulk. And the last thing I saw was his neck veins pop as he bore down on me with incredible power.
And that was that. I don’t remember the next 30 seconds or so but woke up to JR cradling me in his arms. He apologized for getting a little carried away, but we all laughed as I rested my head on his large, hulking chest.
“Ugh… was that full strength?” I asked.
“Nah, just 70%”
“Fuck…” sighed the 3 of us in unison.
“So, I guess we’re watching Rick and Morty?”
And we did. That night, and plenty more after. Because that’s what my best friend wanted to do. And because my ribs could only handle arguing with him once every couple of weeks. But despite the occasional back ache and bruised ego I wouldn’t have changed our friendship for anything in the world. But then a few months later, everything changed anyway…
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